Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Quick tips for successful living.

Always eat at buffets so that if you spill your food, you can just go get more.

Wingtips make you look like you are trying too hard. As do French cuffs.

Wear polka dots to your job interview. Your boss will remember your name if you stick out.

Be daring! Try the fugu!

Always yell while talking on a cell phone in public. Yelling commands respect.

You only really have to wash your trousers once a month.

If you cry after sex your mate will take notice of your sensitive side. If you laugh, the world will laugh with you, and it is sure to lighten the post-coital mood. Try both and see which your mate responds best too.

Remember to bring your "champange bong" to ritzy events. If your friends decline to try it, ask him "What happened? You get sand in your vagina?"

Garlic and onion are much cheaper (and almost always more readily availiable) than chewing gum.

Spit on the floor. There's no reason to swallow your saliva like a blue-collar slave.

If you find yourself in a odorous subway car, just light a cigarette. Everyone will thank you.

It reminds cabbies of home if you refer to them as "Durka Durka Mohammed." They won't mind if you "forget" to give them a tip, too!

Computers are terrible at math. Always do the harder calculations by hand.

Premium denim will generally make your ass look big. Cargo pockets are slimming.

Using "shit" and "fuck" more often on the job will show your boss that you are a to-the-point, no nonesense kind of guy, and that if you got a pink slip, you wouldn't be the one laying on the floor with a few missing teeth.

Open every conversation with a girl with a one-liner about the Smashmouth/Chumbawumba show you went to four years ago.

Start a blog. Everyone loves to hear the meaningless shit that you while away your day thinking about!

Hope these quick tips help! To contribute your own, email us at quicktipsforsuccessfulliving@gmail.com!

1 Comments:

Anonymous RiSE said...

Remember to bring your "champange bong" to ritzy events. If your friends decline to try it, ask him "What happened? You get sand in your vagina?"

HAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

1:37 PM  

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