Monday, March 27, 2006

It has recently become clear to me that once in a blue moon you can put a significant opportunity cost on a night of drinking. To wit:

Thursday night we spent the evening at a "wine and cheese" party. All was well until we stepped out of the taxicab and I was blind. "What is this nonsense, now," I thought to myself. "Just moments ago (before I fell asleep) I could see just fine. Ah, yes," I recalled, "I have myopia which requires the use of corrective lenses. Though I wear my glasses daily! Where, then, are they presently?" My intoxication made this internal dialogoue take a little longer than usual, and by the time I had reached the conclusion that my glasses remained in the taxicab, and that we stood on the sidewalk, he was gone into the night, and also that I had stepped in dog poo.

The following day I visited my opthamologist only to discover that insurance does not like you to get new glasses very often. In fact, I was informed that I cannot get a new pair until 2007. Fourteen months is a long time to wait to be to see, so I ordered contact lenses on the internet, which are much less expensive than a new pair of glasses. Unfortunately, this morning I received a call from my contact lens supplier in regards to the prescription that I ordered. Apparently insurance companies and opthamologists are conspiring against me, because not only can you only get new glasses every two years, but you also have to get a new contact lens prescription every once in awhile (and four years is a long time, if you ask an eye "doctor"). On the wide expanse of the internet, the same internet where you can purchase Viagra and Xanax from Canada, hallucinogenic mushroom spores from Arizona, mail-order brides from Thailand and tax-free cigarettes from upstate New York, I cannot purchase contact lenses. Contact lenses which, need I remind my astute readers, neither get me high, provide hours of entertainment and daily home cooked meals, nor screw the government out of money. In fact, I would be willing to conduct an experiment proving that almost anything -- guns, sex, drugs or a '69 Les Paul -- would be easier to obtain on the internet than a pair of freaking contact lenses.

I was informed that if my eye "doctor" is a lazy man and decides not to respond to the fax which he will be receiving momentarily, than the lenses will ship. If he, however, decides to be a jackass and inform the supplier that I have no prescription, I am, in the immortal words of some guy I went to high school with, "shit out of luck."

Here's hoping that he's not a complete jackass (or just really lazy).


Blogger RiSE said...

wow! i cant believe that!!

8:01 AM  
Blogger Lida said...

ha. This same thing happened to me four months ago. Except I didn't leave them somewhere I slept on them. Remember this though, dear sir: A.) I don't live in NYC, I have to drive to work and B.) I even work at an Insurance office.

I am not sure what I am trying to prove here other than the same thing happened to me and it was harder. And, clearly I am procrastinating. AND now I am going to type a paper.

8:08 PM  
Blogger Ben Shepard said...

I didn't get any contacts. :'(

I totally fell asleep on those emo glasses I had back in the day. I'm rocking the old-ass wire frames at work and when I get home I turn into a Further Seems Forever fanboy with bent-up plastic frames.

4:34 PM  
Blogger nappy said...

order some lasik fool... or come to chicago i'll hook you up. i got tools and a PDF that explains the procedure.

11:33 AM  

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