Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I've come up with an idea for the next revolution in internet browsers. Googling "U breathe," which, as I understand, is a technique where one breathes out of the mouth while simultaneously breathing in through the nose, brings up five bazillion matches with "u" used to mean "you," making it impossible to sift through the matches for R'n'B songs about "The way u breathe make me luv u 4ever" and tons of bitches in Jerz who think that their totally deep poetry about "you're breathe on my neck makes me shutter lol." Surprisingly (or not), millions and millions of annoying shitty teenagers who will one day rule the world believe that it is fine and dandy, and efficient even, to truncate a three letter word. I could probably ramble and get worked up for hours on end about what a waste of space everyone under the age of 18 is, but that's not the point today.

The point is, I started thinking about how nice it would be if we could shape our online behavior with an intelligent, self-censoring web browser. What if Firefox had an extension that added a button labeled Flag as retarded? Clicking on it would add the content of the page to a database which would filter Google hits, forum posts, YouTube comments, and even entire Geocities webpages. I honestly think that it would make for a much more enjoyable (though maybe a little delusional) online experience. It could be programmed to learn to avoid grammar-free zones and promote those pages which are most likely to satisfy your needs, sort of like Tivo. It would have to be pretty robust to distinguish the difference between the correct and incorrect uses of their and they're, but, Gentlemen, we have the technology.

Related: I should totally get one of those mosquito-repel things that makes a high pitched noise that only teenagers and mosquitoes and dogs can hear and take it to every all-ages show I go to. Man, that is such a good idea.


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